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I cannot go on like this. [Feb. 17th, 2006|01:34 am]
My mother treats me like I'm 12 years old. I have a chore list. And apparently a fucking bedtime.

She walked down two flights of stairs (a feat for her, let me tell you) to tell me to go to bed. I refused and pointed out I was doing homework. She just yelled louder. It's an unreasonable time for yuo to be up, you need to go to bed so you can be human. Meanwhile, my little brothers are playing computer games in the family room making loud noises and drinking caffineaed beverages. Do they get the go to bed decree?

...incase you haven't noticed a theme to my life, the answer is a resounding NO.

I just..I had a flash of dropping my classes, getting another job and getting enough money to move out. And it's such a tempting and scarily tangible dream. I could do it. And I would never have to deal with this shit.

This "you're an ungrateful bitch and nothing you do is for the good of the family"

...I do everything but clean my room. I'm currently owed 1678 dollars in bills that I'VE paid for the FAMILY I do NOTHING for. I pcik up my brothers from their various activities. AND I STILL MAKE GOOD GRADES

I just want to flunk out a semester while having swept, and cleaned my room, and cleaned the house and be able to go now which me did you fucking prefer?!

Great Now I'm crying...

I just want to be appreciated... ti feel appreciated. Not used. Not like just another person to add to friendslists. Not just a lazy daughter who can't keep her room clean and isn't what I want to show the world.

Get the fuck over it!! I'll never wear dresses or makeup or go to dances or have a goddamned boyfriend.

But I also won't do drugs, or drink, or get in accidents, or get pregnant, or get arrested.


but it doesn't matter. I can't breathe. I scare myself when I break down like this.

I have one friend who will love me no matter what. I have one friend who is always online to talk to...at least to help distract me. I have two friends who ocassionally I see on Tuesdays.

...and that sums up my social life. Primarily it's internet based.

I just want a hug. A hug, some chocolate and some tissues. I just used the last of my Peter Pan box.

I guess this rant is done for now. I won't go into the fears over my future that haunt me everyday. Or this tired feeling that follows me around but...isn't sleep oriented... Or the fact I wish I had the courage to just die, or move...do something to help instead of sitting here whining to a journal nobody reads.
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(no subject) [Nov. 8th, 2005|12:10 am]
I can't breathe...I can't think.

All I can do is sit here and...listen to music.

I don't know what I am right now but it scares me. I have so much to do, could even benefit from sleeping but I can barely bring myself to type this, much less get something done.

Save me.
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Oh me of little faith... [Jul. 31st, 2005|06:25 pm]
What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and those who know me
Will I discover a soul saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me?

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared
Cause I'm a coward

If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
'Cause I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith...

Can I be used to help find others find truth
when I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie?
Can I be led down the trail dropping breadcrumbs
to prove I'm not ready to die?

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
though I know nothing is safe
Oh me of little faith...
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2005|01:54 am]
Have you ever said something and then instantly wished you could take it back?

I wish I could be calmer, nicer, just...less sometimes. I see myself overdoing things, overemphasizing, laughing too hard, too loud, too long. I see the cringes on faces of coworkers as KT says yet another thing wrong. And I just wish that for once I had stood quietly aside and just done my job and left well enough alone.
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2005|04:19 pm]
I want my family to die.... or me. I could die. That might help...
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2005|03:46 pm]
I can't believe he's not coming.. I just....He was the first person I invited and just...I don't know why it matters so much. A lot of people are prolly gonna turn my party down. I should just suck it up and move on... But, dammit if I invited you, it kinda means something to me for you to be there.

I just...dammit, it's just a stupid party and it's making me cry. I'm buying an island and living as a recluse for the rest of my life. With my cat. Cause my cat loves me.

Why the fuck don't my brothers have to clean EVER? I have to clean everything momma says, plus their fucking shit and yet...they don't have to clean anything. At all. EVER.

I just want to bang their damned heads into the wall. I hate this double standard.

Is it because I'm female? Because I'm me? Because my mom has some thing against me? I just want out of this goddamned house. I can't take this shit much longer.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|07:58 pm]
I think I rely on my teacher's opinions too heavily. I nearly cried today in statistics because the professor ignored me. I just kept thinking "If I hadn't skipped so many classes, I wouldn't have failed and he wouldn't hate me"

Why should I care what a professor thinks of me?

But I do care. Even if they don't know my name...I just don't ant to disappoint them. I never have wanted to disappoint them. I think that's the reason I do so well in school. It's always this hidden motivator.

Sometimes I wonder if I rely on feedback from teachers because they're the only people who ever congratulate me for grades. They are the only authority in my life who care if if I fail or pass or if I'm not quite up to potential.

But it's just..it hurts so much to know that he was pissed at me for skipping and failing. I truly thought I understood the material and just...did not study.

I hate the way I feel right now, the way I've felt for awhile now. I'm just so stressed....so emotional it's making me sick.

I cannot have a conversation with my mom without coming away hating her and all she stands for.

I was rerading the Circle of Three books....a series dealing with teenagers devoting themselves to the year and a day journey/study of Wicca....

The book I just finished involved on of the members getting kicked out of school because of her beliefs and the other character telling her parents finally about studying Wicca. I remember first reading these books and going, OMG, her mother is my mother. I read that book today....and hated my mom. For being exactly like the close minded mother within the book.

My parents have gotten better about things. They want Will to come over more, they freely acknowledge he's my friend.....and yet, there's always this undercurrent about homosexuality. It's like well, okay, Will is an exception because he is your friend. He is okay. But the rest of them....don't hang out with them.

And religion....I find myself ignoring the possibility of any greater power for the majority of my time. I'm so wrapped up in day-to-day ....that I'll hear something about how things just are...and I'll wonder how can they just...be? Did God create them? Who is God?....and then I feel guilty. A good Presbyterian child should be firm in her belief in God, shouldn't she? But I have so many questions yet no way to phrase them in a way I could get any answers.

I...have to stop now so that I can finish my essay...
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Playing the role with nerves left exposed... [Apr. 21st, 2005|08:29 pm]
Sometimes my family just drives me to the brink of killing myself.

My brother held my cell phone hostage from 2 PM on and neglected to tell me I'd missed two calls- one from Diane and one from Daddy. So of course I get in trouble with Daddy for not answering.

I spend the day fighting this just major cloud of depression then my mom gets home.

She's just spent 6 hours with my grandmother so nobody really wants to talk to her so we hide. But of course she starts ranting and calls us out one by one.

Stepping out of my body and observing the scene makes me sick. How could she say the things she says and parade around as the world's greatest mom? Does she realize how much she hurts her children with every carefully worded insult? She must because the things she says are perfectly crafted to hurt the worst.

Today, my vice was the fact I didn't do my laundry. Or wash Patrick's tuxedo shirts.

Her directions to me were sweep the floors, clean a toilet, and find Patrick's tuxedo shirt. Check, check, and oh yeah, Check.

But because I didn't read her mind and start the laundry I get an hour of hateful words flng at me from a mouth I wish to God I could sew shut to stop the filth from spewing forth.

She needs therapy. We all fucking need therapy.

How dare she displace her anger on her children. She's angry at Grandmother, or perhaps at Daddy for not taking responsibility with his mother. She's not anry at us but we are convenient for her wrath. We aren't perfect and we are her slaves.

...There she goes yelling again. She must be off the phone with Debbie.

Goddammit, I shouldn't be afraid to live in my house. I shouldn't feel like a lesser being in my house.

I wish I could win the damned ottery and move away.
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I'm just a little girl, I'm Raggedy Ann [Feb. 5th, 2005|09:38 pm]
I always hate to be around my mother's friends. They all see this wonderful women....and see me as the petulant child. And to be fair, I admit I play the part at times.

Driving in the car with my mom and her boss was like...I don't know, working a double on the popper all the time with one 30 minute break. And even that scenario would have been preferable. I went through two sets of batteries and listened to CD after CD to drown them out. But some thing sI couldn't drown out.

And again like in New York, I heard more about how my mom hates my dad. They had me to concrete the marriage. Then to keep it firm they planned Patrick's birth. The miscarriage is what ruined everything. Had that girl been born....I don't know. A bad marriage can't be saved but it might have lasted longer. *sigh*

The first night in NC was great. We shopped and watched "The Wedding Date" which was just humourous enough for me to forget what was going on.

The next morning was hard.

I haven't sorted through all of my college issues. So truly honestly, in a perfect world where I have enough money for any college in the world....I myself am not exactly sure where I would choose to go. It's an issue of comfort vs what I need. I'm comfortable here, for sure....but, perhaps getting out and two states away would help me move on.

Anyway, I wasn't exactly nervous going into this simply because I know I have backups. If all else fails I have West GA, ya know? So...I wasn't nervous but I was worried I guess.

My mom was a basket case.

The interviews were done a la Apprentice.

Three "Judges" across the tables, six kids on the other side. Now the six kids were all awesome. We'd just spent the past hour being hearded around like cattle, and consequently mooing....cause we're all whacko intelligent people like that.

The history head lady that I met last time was asking the questions. That was nice.

As an overview before for I anal-lize all my answers:
I rambled. A lot. But I made people laugh. Which to me, even if I don't make it at least I calmed the others with laughter before they had to answer, ya know?
I forgot my thread. Which goes with rambling. But I'd get halfway through the answer and not remember the question. I rock.
I didn't know who to address. Consequently, my eyes were all over. The window, Ms. Huff (Question Person), the other two judges, my hands. *shrug*

First question was Why Lenoir-Rhyne.
I rambled about the pictures I'd fallen in love with. History. Fun
Double points off for totally having no clue what I was on about.

I can't remeber the order of the next questions so....

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I said still learning, reading, passing it on whether giving tours at a museum or walking down the street randomly spouting facts. *crowd laughs*

Most influential person:

My mom. *dies* It was all I could think of and if you take her public side she truly is remarkable. Talked about how she gets life stories from people just because she listens

There was another question. Can't remember what it was. And then the Group discussion on scial issues. We stuck pretty solidly with poverty/today's culture fostering laziness. Fun.

I wish I knew where I wanted to go. I wish that God would just whisper in my ear, hey youd be great here.

Like the Sorting Hat. Only...more....big.

I wanted to rant on about this, But i ran out of steam. Suffice to say that KT is just as confused as she ever was.

February 25th will be the deciding day. No scholarship=No L-R.

Scholarship=LR...and possibly a mistake. But how could it be a mistake with such a wonderful environment?

I give up.
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525.600 minutes... [Jan. 29th, 2005|10:55 pm]
Its 's nights like this i question my resolve not to drink. Wouldn't it be easier to do what so many of my friends and coworkers do?

Would that temporary escape help dull the pain? Or would it drag me deeper?

And I'll want nothing else til I die...

Goddamn ice has frozen my thoughts to despair.

Of course, it is like me to blame the weather on a personal defect.

Defective. That's me.
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